I’ve been a stay at home mom for ten months and at the beginning of this month I started a seasonal job. Its not an oh my god wonderful job but the pay isn’t bad and it’ll pay for our Christmas trip to Vermont. But I’ll tell you its exhausting to go back to work. I’m tired everyday… and I’ve changed a lot since I worked last. Thank all the gods that I have an understanding boss. I’ve been in mommy mode for so long that I just don’t know how to get out of it. It makes me have a very alpha female kinda attitude… and I don’t really want to be abrasive. I know I come off as rude sometimes… I blame it on the mommy mode thing… or maybe its just that I’ve essentially been my own boss for 10 months that it is so hard for me to just nod and say, “Ok” without having something to say about it. I’m trying though.

Ok now that my bitch session is over… let me say something that might actually be relevant to this blog… One of the biggest things I like about where I work is they are some really open people. There are the usual inter office politics but I can talk about our alternativness (yes I know that is not a word) and they don’t judge. My coworkers have, at times, been curious and we’ll talk but there is no hostility and most think our family is really cute. They also think its really neat that we’re raising our son to be as open and accepting as we are. So no matter how tired I am or how frustrated I get… I like where I work and the people I work with.

I caught wind of an interesting story today on the TV. It was about a 16 year old “cross dresser” at one of the metro Atlanta high Schools. I question whether or not the student truly is a cross dresser, or if said person is transgendered. Jonathan Escobar, the student, says that is who he is, and that he’s not going to change that about himself. I can’t really tell from the video, but it appears as though he dresses in womens’ clothing daily. He got into an altercation with another student about how he dresses. The school system says that Jonathan is violating the school dress code. How is he violating? Apparently he is disrupting the learning environment by his manner of dress. Well, it wasn’t an issue until another student wanted to start a fight. Why is there an issue with what he chooses to wear? It really upsets me that there are people that can’t see past the wrapper.

Check out the footage here.

Well last weekend I was able to get out to SCC, and see some old friends. I really had a good time getting myself all dressed up and socializing. Tried on corsets, talked to folks about breast forms, and looked at plenty of jewelry. But I couldn’t get past the feeling of something missing.

SCC is the biggest transgender conference in the US and it’s held right here in Atlanta. I have been every year for the last three years, and I have always enjoyed attending. I see old friends, and meet new ones every year. Most of my time is spent with my old friends that are local to the area though, and specifically there is a group of about 5 of us that run around together. We laugh and carry on until the wee hours of the morning. Often times we come up with new inside jokes like this year it was “Crouching Tranny, Flying Chicken”. I know the real movie is old, but to come up with that while drunk in less that 10 seconds once the event happened is quite a feat.

While I attend I get myself all dressed up and try to look as convincing as I can. This year I wore four different outfits in less than twenty-four hours. For me that’s pretty incredible. On Friday night I went with a great little black dress. It is a velvet halter dress, and a kick ass red under bust corset. Black stockings and garter belt were a must. I decided on a fetish party for the night so that is what I was thinking when I decided on the outfit. I have to admit, it was great to have the sheer and smooth feeling of stockings on my legs again…especially after I had just shaved them. Then having them rubbed on by someone else is just divine.

Saturday consisted of three outfits. The afternoon was a nice casual outfit with white pants, bracers, a black sleeveless top, and some great blueish heels from Bakers’ Shoes. Since I don’t dress up as much as I used to these shoes were killer on my feet and I therefore only lasted about four hours in them. The outfit was pretty clingy and made my butt look great. I decided that this was the outfit to go try on corsets. The feeling of being tightly laced into a curve creating apparatus is great for me because it kinda helps my back. The icing on the cake with this was finding out that I wear a size twenty-six in corsets. That made me feel really good because not a month earlier, at Dragon*Con, I was told I was a twenty-nine. Three inches is a huge difference.

That evening I took Nikki and Michael with me to socialize, and eat a little bit of dinner. Though it wasn’t much food, we had a great little pizza from the little bistro in the hotel. My attire for the evening was a simple split skirt with a black top and some new black pumps that I was given. I was so comfortable it was ridiculous. I swear I looked just like a mom while I was carrying Michael around to keep him happy till the food arrived. Nikki was looking super cute in a little vest and white top in jeans and her, awesome steal, granny boots.

The night was closed out in a PVC bustle gown and a buckle waist cincher. Kept me warm while I was in the hotel. Unfortunately I got a little bored while there in the late evening and into the night. I was finally able to put my finger on it when I got into the truck to go home. Nikki not being there was a downer.

Nikki really wanted to go to SCC with me because she knows how much this is a part of me and our relationship. It was rather heartbreaking when we couldn’t get a suitable babysitter for Friday and Saturday. I really missed Nikki’s company, and for whatever reason, I find it easier to meet people and talk to them while she’s around. I’m not saying she has to be connected to me at all times, but knowing she’s there makes all the difference in the world. I missed out on a lot of stuff, and Nikki not being there just made me not want to do stuff.

I am hoping for the best for next year. It would be great if we could afford to stay at the hotel or to actually purchase memberships and attend a lot more of the conference type stuff. unfortunately this is really expensive, and it usually comes in a month that we have just attended Dragon*con. Again I can hope for the best, and I want my Nikki with me.

On the last day of our trip we couldn’t help but overhear a conversation on the trolley (Pigeon Forge’s bus) as we were headed back to our car.  Three ladies who had just finished shopping at the Tanger Outlet Mall were sitting across from us chatting about someone they all knew.  I didn’t really pay much attention until one lady said, “… and here she comes in a three piece suit!”  This lady when on to say that the parents of this little girl were going to regret letting her wear boys clothes and play with “boy’s” toys.  She also went on to convey that the parents were bad parents because they were not “guiding” their child to be more “girly.”  Then she announced that she would not buy the girl, boy clothes or toys.  The other two ladies went on in agreement with the first woman.  One went so far as to say that the young girl’s parents were encouraging her to be a “dyke.”  Clay and I both were a little stunned and thought about saying something, but we both opted not to start an argument with people on public transportation that wouldn’t care or understand what we were saying…

So what if the child wants to wear boy’s clothes and be a tomboy?  First of all there are three piece suits made for women.  Also little kids are all shaped the same until puberty… so the clothes are all pretty much cut the same, just different colors… Well unless you want to dress your elementary student up like a miniature hoochie…  Ok now being a girl who happens to like boy stuff does not automatically make her lesbian potential.  I like boy stuff and clothes, I always have.  I have a male partner and a child with that partner.  Though my partner isn’t a traditional male… I don’t think I fit these ladies’ definition of a lesbian.  Second, if this girl these catty women were talking about did turn out to be a lesbian and/or a crossdresser, the parents did not make her that way.  You cannot make a person gay or straight, cd or not.  It is an integral part of who they are and has always been there.  Lastly… a person is the same person you know and love no matter what they wear or whom they find attractive.

SCC is here and Claudia is excited to start having fun when she gets off of work tonight.  I wish I could share her enthusiasm.  SCC brings out feelings that are really hard for me to define and talk about.  I’m really happy she gets to have some special time with her girlfriends… I just feel like I can’t participate with her.  There are a couple of reasons for this… one of is a ramble I have at the end of the post and moms will really understand.  The feelings I get are that I don’t really belong or measure up.  I know that its silly but its really hard to be with a tall beautiful girl and not feel like I’m a bit drab.  She doesn’t mean to make me feel that way and I’ve had to find my own way of dealing with it.  Also, being one of the few GG’s that goes out with her “girlfriend”  sometimes I feel a bit out of place.  No one has ever been ugly and all the girls have always been very sweet… but like I said to Claudia… its like if she went to a moms’ event with me.  They would all be nice and like her but she would wonder.

So what do I do to work through these feelings?  First I’m honest with Claudia.  I tell her how I feel and I try to not keep it bottled up.  I make sure she understands that its not her fault and I’m not blaming her.  A healthy relationship thrives on communication, even when that communication is uncomfortable.  We discuss how I feel and how she feels and decide together how to work on it.  When we go out I have had to learn how to dress up a little more and how to dress to compliment what she was wearing.  That can be really hard sometimes, since I lost a lot of weight I don’t have much nice stuff anymore.    Sometimes my wonderful girl will even dress a little more down so I don’t feel so unattractive.  About feeling out of place amongst all the glamorous amazons… that’s a little harder to nail down.  I love all of our tgirl friends but sometimes I feel like I might be crashing a club party.  Doesn’t mean I am… just that my insecurity about rejection and being in the way is rearing its ugly head.  We talk about this too… Claudia always makes sure I feel loved and wanted.  She can’t make other people like me but she can show her love and affection for me and when I’m feeling insecure that is what I really need.

Mommy frustrated ramblings:

September has been a really busy month for us and I have had to ask people to watch our son quite a bit and next month I start working for the fall season… I’m paying a sitter for the majority of that but she can’t watch him for my second day of work so I had to ask my friend to take time off of work to watch him.  I know this sounds like I’m getting off subject… but it does come back to not being able to spend any time with my girl this weekend.  I know that any mom would understand where I’m coming from… we always put our wants and needs at the very bottom of the list.  I feel like I shouldn’t keep asking the same people to watch our son just so I can go out with Claudia.  We only have a small group that we can ask.  Her family doesn’t really support the crossdressing, they know about it but they really don’t like it.  My family are all in Macon (two hours south of here)… Our friends are wonderful but most of them live on the other side of town and/or have a bunch of kids of their own and I feel like I would be putting a burden on them.  Not to mention the flood damage so many folks are having to deal with right now. As a matter of fact,  I’m helping a friend clean out her mother’s house or at least donating the use of some tools and masks to help.  Yet another thing to ask someone to watch our kid.  I’m not complaining in the least to have grandparents watch our son while we help our friends.  Claudia is helping someone for an SCC party (we can’t tell the family that) and I really want to help my friend and will in any way that I can.  Thank you for letting me ramble and rant a bit.

So SCC (Southern Comfort Conference) is starting today. I’m not going tonight after work, but I plan on being there from Friday night on through Sunday.

For those that don’t know what SCC is, it’s the biggest transgender conference in the world. The great thing is it’s in Atlanta. What an incredible place to have this. A truly international city, with a huge diversity of people from all different walks of life. The busiest airport in the world is on the south side of Atlanta too.

With this being a transgender event, it is open to all forms of gender identity. I’m a cross dresser, but that falls under the big umbrella. There are many events planned and little outings to places nearby. there are so many people that look forward to this even as it is the only time throughout the year that they can be their other gender. Trans men and trans women are all over the place and interacting fluidly with each other. Check out the official website for SCC.

I know I would take care of them if I had a pair.

I sooooooo want these… even added them to my amazon wish list.. hehehe…

A friend put this on LJ…  What an horrible name… but it is apparently out selling the flesh light.

Last week Nikki and I went to Pigeon Forge for a little get-a-way without our son. We headed up there on Wednesday and stayed until Friday. We took so many pictures of stuff, mostly cars, and of course ourselves. We only had a couple of things actually planned for us to do. One of the things we had was dinner out as girls at a murder mystery theater. The place was called “The Great Smokey Mountain Murder Mystery Dinner Show.” It’s probably the only place like this in the whole tri-city area. So much fun and lots of entertainment, including me.

When we got to our hotel, in Pigeon Forge, we unloaded and hung up our clothes that needed to be hung. Then we sat around and chilled out for about an hour before getting ready to go out. When we started getting ready all I had to do was shave my face. Fortunately I had shaved my body the night before and it didn’t take me the typical two hours to get ready. As I was putting on a killer bra and pantie set, from a friend of mine, I realized I didn’t have my breast forms with me. I was a little upset with myself but there was no need to worry because I still looked good with just the bra on. I chose to wear my long red Chinese dress and a pair of Colin Stewart pumps. Makeup was simple and well done this time for me with my eyes being done in blue and green. And of course I went blond for the outing, which is how I normally am. Speaking of hair color, I find that the best color hair to go with is the color that is closest to my natural color. Nikki decided on her shiny pants and a black corset top with her squiggly Bebe shoes. Absolutely hot on her.

Upon arriving at the Murder Mystery we had our picture taken a couple of times, once with weapons in our hands and another without. Then we were shown to our seats at a front row table. We got a couple of looks because we were the most dressed up people in the place. Keep in mind that we live in Atlanta and we were in Pigeon Forge. The cast member that sat us at the table introduced herself as Paula Fazoul. Our show was an American Idol type of thing. Other members included Simon Cowan, and Niles Jackson. We were asked to decide if we wanted to be on stage as one of the singers, and, if so, to pick two songs on the list of songs to sing karaoke, then the cast would decide on three or four people to actually go on stage. I decided that I was going to put myself in for singing, and chose to sing New York New York and Friends in Low Places. Well, this of course made me an easy target to get picked. After a few minutes Paula came back to the table and handed me a name tag and said I was going to sing, and that my name for the show was Anita Mann. At that point I decided that for that night I was not just a cross dresser, but instead a drag queen.

I try my best to not take offense to being called a drag queen, especially when it comes from the general public in the country as they don’t really know any better.

I have to admit I was quite nervous about getting up on stage and singing. Lots of looks ensued as I got up, a six foot tall woman, and walked to the stage. As I stepped up I heard a couple of chuckles from people sitting and then a few more when the music started. My first song was New York New York. Then I got some good, amused and uncomfortable, laughs from the other patrons. My deeper male voice, coming from a gorgeous female body, was a shock to some. The celebrity guest judges had to give their review of the performance and I got a couple of funny comments. One told me that if I need a man to just look in the mirror. Another said that I sang quite well here but if I did it in Singapore that I would really kill.

After my performance we actually had part of our dinner. A great creamy vegetable soup, and a salad. The two dishes were brought out separately as it would be for a four or five course meal. While eating, the cast members would roam around and talk to us. Pictures were taken several times throughout the night.

After the first couple of courses there was another round of singing. My second song was Friends in Low Places. After about the first two lines I didn’t even look at the screen. I know the song pretty well so I just belted it out. Hitting all the low notes and everything. Great comments from all the judges including one that said “Garth Brooks would be proud.”

After this round of songs we had our main course. There was a choice of fried chicken or pot roast. Nikki and I both chose the pot roast. A wonderfully tender and lean cut of meat with additions of mashed potatoes and green beans. Southern comfort foods at their best. The fried chicken looked crispy and golden brown. Juices falling off of each piece from the inside. The main course was followed by dessert which was a wonderful strawberry cheesecake. How they knew that was my favorite I don’t know. But I ate every single bit of it and I wanted more. The drink of choice for the night was sweet tea. It turned out to be pretty good. Not overly sweet or tasting like it was an instant sweet tea like Nestea. We didn’t have to wait on refills, which by the way there were only two servers for the entire group of about sixty people. Apparently that is a small group of people for their performances, and there was seating for about twice that number. Coffee at the end of the night to go with the cheesecake and to warm up. It was a tiny bit chilly in there, but that is for the sake of the actors.

All of the actors were very friendly and entertaining. An absolutely wonderful performance was given. And plenty of stuff happened. I can’t say what happened at the show, but I can say it could throw you off a little bit. When you go to Pigeon Forge, go see this show. You will have a great time even if you don’t see a crossdresser there. Have fun and be silly. We have lots of pictures to go with this because we bought a CD from the photographer, as there were no cameras allowed in the theater. Take a look at them and decide for yourself. But we give this place two thumbs up.